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Past, Present, and Future

Where I was

Rock bottom usually means that there is only one way to go:

Upwards.

However, I really usd to wonder, when will rock bottom come?

When I reached the bottom, it felt like I started digging deeper and deeper.
It felt like I truly could never start moving back up.

I felt really and truly stuck.

Stuck in a bad home.

A home where I was punished and barred from being myself, from expressing my identity, and from being called the name I wanted to be called.

Stuck in a scary relationship.

A relationship that felt like I was walking on eggshells placed above shards of glass.

I felt unstable.

While stuck in those social dynamics, no action felt truly safe.
It always felt like I was one wrong move away from getting broken down even further by those around me.

I felt like there was no way out.

But I had two friends who had passed by suicide

Who thought they found a way out

Grief and jealousy are two feelings that should never really mix, as they do not make sense together

But I was jealous.

I was jealous that people around me had found something to stop their pain

From jealousy came anger.

Anger at them, for leaving everything behind

Some days it truly felt like the only solution, or rather relief, from my problems was to give into suicidal thoughts.

I came close more times than I would like to admit, but I never gave in.

Something kept me here, but I am still not quite sure what.

Where I am

I left that home and that relationship that drove me to feel like there was only one way out.

It feels better, but it feels empty.

Who am I if not Suicidal?

People always told me I will feel so much better after I leave, but I really did not feel that at first.

Time did in fact heal that, and now I know who I am when I am allowed to thrive.

Letting myself be loved is a skill I needed to learn, as before I did not feel like I deserved love of any kind.

It became easier and easier.

Now love just feels like a fact of life, and I know that everyone deserves to be
loved.

Reaching out when I need help is terrifying, but I know that it will help me in the end.

My therapist, my doctors, my friends, my partner, my peers

No matter how innocuous a connection may seem, it is still there for you to use.

People are there for you, and you deserve to reach out to them.

Imagining where I used to be fills me with grief

Grief for all the years that others spent having fun and growing up

Years that I spent struggling to keep myself alive

Years that I spend neglecting myself in favour of pleasing those who sought to
hurt me

It makes me angry

Angry that people who were supposed to love me were the ones who hurt me

The ones who were meant to build me up and help me grow would smother any
new sprouts I developed

I realized that Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem

This was hard to come to terms with

But I realized that I needed to give myself a chance

As many chances as it took to feel okay

As many chances as it took to break bad habits

You may be your biggest critic, but you can also be your biggest supporter

Give yourself as many chances as it takes.

While I grieve the years I lost, I remember that there are still so many years to come.

People say life is short, but I find that to be counterproductive to say.

A week can feel like months sometimes

A year can sometimes feel like 10

You are never too far gone

You are never beyond help

Life is long, life gives you time, life has the time for you to thrive

There is still time.

Time to make changes

Changes for the better

Time to recover.

Time to grow.

Time to live

Where I hope to be

I hope that one day my mind feels like my own all of the time.

When I get anxious, I do not want to hear the voices of those who have hurt me

I want my thoughts to be mine and mine alone.

It will take time, but I’ve got time.

I hope that one day I can live life to the fullest and finish grieving the years I lost.

I will never get those years back,

But I can keep living.

I hope that one day I will not be mad at those who I lost.

I will always miss them.

I understand why they did what they did,

but that does not mean I need to do the same.

I hope to know my worth.

Not the worth assigned to me by those who did not want me to grow.

I hope to be able to use the words I have recovered

Rather than I am recovering

My Advice

I used to genuinely laugh at those who told me it would be okay, but now I know that they were not lying. It just took some time. It is really easy to feel hopeless, isolated, depressed, and like nobody around you needs you around them. However, they do. You are important, you genuinely are. I urge you, even if you think you do not deserve it, Reach Out to those around you. Community is waiting for you, and while there is no deadline to reach out to your community to start recovering, the sooner the better. 

You are worth time, energy, effort, and resources. You are worth seeking help and getting that appointment with a therapist, so I want anyone reading this to reach out if you need it.

I will be okay, and you will be okay. Things may never be perfect, but there is still time for it to get better.

Resources that helped me that could help you

Access 24/7: 780-424-2424
Trans Lifeline: 877-330-6366
YWCA: 780-423-9922
Youthline (Queer helpline): 647-694-4275
Linktree with campus resources: